- "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
- ―Dumblydore (HE HAD A HEADAKE OK)
Albert Dumblydore is the principal of Hogwarts, despite the fact that Hogwarts has a headmaster instead of principal. He first appears in the story when he shouts at Ebony for having what one can barely describe as sex with Draco. Later he turns to the goffic side and tries to help Ebony. Emphasis on 'tries', since he gets shouted at for being a poser.
Despite Tara Gilesbie's fondness (fetish) for ridiculously long names, she did not include the full name of the original Hogwarts Headmaster (Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore), calling her school's "Principal" simply Dumblydore. This is, however, justified by the fact Tara has neither read a word of the books nor watched past the first movie.
Role in the story
Albert first appears in Chapter 4, quoting the line he is now famous for. At that time, he was angry at Ebony and Draco for having sexual intercourse at the Forbidden Forest, deriding them as "motherfukers". He took them to his office, where the two goffs were denounced by him, Professor McGoogle and Professor Snape (who later turned into Snap). Tara later revealed that Dumblydore acts this way when he has headaches. In his second appearance, he appears and begins to cry. He reveals to Ebony and her band that Draco committed suicide by slitting his wrists (despite the fact Draco is a vampire and wouldn't die that way). Draco mysteriously reappears two chapters later, alive but kidnapped by Voldemort. However, Dumblydore has a change of mind and tells Ebony that he does not give a darn at what happens to Draco.
Later, Ebony attends an MCR concert. When the concert is hijacked by Vlodemort and da Death Deelers for the second time, Dumblydore turns into a gothic old man and saves Ebony and her friends. The next morning Albert painted the 'grate hall' black (but apparently painted it pink first, as Ebony can see the "pink pant" underneath it). Dumblydore also wears goffik clothing. He tries to befriend Ebony and the others, but is shouted at for being a poser.
When the Mystery of Magic decides to take over the school, they make it clear that they consider Dumbledore incompetent. They yell at him for being too old and having Alzheimer's. When Ebony returns from 1980, Dumblydore has been removed from his position as principal and has been replaced by Doris Rumbridge. He is also send to Abkhazian for being "week" and having "kancer". But he is released and brought back to substitute for Professor Sinister (who was also sent to Abkhazian) on the very same day he was sent to prison.
When Ebony travels to the past, it is revealed that the Dumblydore of that time period is much more hateful towards goffs. He is very preppy, and shouts at Ebony and Tom Satan Bombodil (the past Voldemort) for just talking in the hallway, despite the fact that they were outside at the time. When he catches Tom Satan Bombodil and Hedwig having sex in the great hall, he attempts to have all goffs sent to Akazaban.
Personality
It seems that Albert Dumblydore has some case of split personality. When he has no headaches, he is portrayed as a senile old man. He shows up from time to time to tell (largely irrelevant) things to Ebony, and later turns into a goffic old man. However, she may have a slightly higher opinion of him than most preps, considering that he often does or says things 'wisely' (ironic, considering not a single remotely intelligent detail is given by Dumblydore).
However, when he has a headache, he starts verbally abusing students and openly admits some students may rot away in Voldemort's hands, "cockling" all the while. During Ebony's trips to the past, Dumblydore apparently had constant headaches because he hated goffs with a passion and saw Goffikness as a crime for which people could be send to Abkhazian (if they're lucky!), alongside 'copolation'. He (along with several other members of staff) is incredibly irresponsible and incompetent, and (mentioned above) quite aggressive, especially verbally.
Difference from the Original
The real Albus Dumbledore was portrayed as a powerful presence of which even the Dark Lord Voldemort was afraid. Dumbledore also believed everyone should be offered forgiveness (on similar par with Jesus). He is described as being extremely wise, and is also cool, calm, and collected even in the face of rude behavior.
Needless to say Albert Dumblydore is nothing like this (though Voldemort is apparently still scared of him, albeit so little as to just look away). He is very quickly angered, swears at students and even admits he does not care what Voldemort does to Draco. This stands in sharp contrast with the fact Dumbledore offers Draco protection from Voldemort in the real series. Albert is also easily intimidated by students, while there is nothing that could really intimidate Albus. Essentially, Dumblydore seems to be the polar opposite of Dumbledore (although they are both still old, at least), pretty much like every canon character in My Immortal
After the fourth chapter, it's clear that Tara quickly caught on that most readers were not happy with her for making Dumbledore swear and yell at students. However, as Dumblydore's line in Chapter 13 reveals ("I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco"), Tara only understood that readers were upset with her for making Dumbledore swear (hence the "darn") - she didn't understand that they were upset because she was somehow screwing up the basic concept that the canon Albus Dumbledore was calm and collected, a detail that even the second to My Immortal's 'Worst Harry Potter Fanfiction Ever' title, "Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles" was able to more or less nail down. An epic fail indeed from Tara Gilesbie.
More onto the fact, Dumbledore is never described flying a broomstick in canon (with the exception of the Half Blood Prince, although it is doubted Tara got that far with the series), being skilled enough to Apparate to anywhere he wishes.
Notable quotations
- "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
- “You ludacris fools!” he shouted.
- Suddenly, Dumblydore ran in. “Ebony, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Snape and Loopin and then he waved his wand and suddenly…
- “U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urslf 1st, k?”
- “No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.”
- “Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”
- “Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her. “She means hi everybody cum in!”
- Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”
- Suddenly dumblydore flew in on his broomstuck and started shredding at us angrily. “NO TALKING IN THE HALLS!” he had short blonde hair and was wearing a polo shirt from Amrikan ogle outfters. “STUPID GOFFS!”
- “hey r u crying tears of blood?”
- “WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1”
- “Be quiet you Satanists.” Dumbledore cockled. “If ur lucky I’ll probably send u all to Akazaban!!! That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall.”
- “You dunderheads!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111”
- “Save us Ebony!”
Artist Depictions
